The Obama Questionnaire – By Devin Heater

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President elect, Barack Obama has put out a very grueling questionnaire for people hoping to be hired to his staff. We at Organic Funny feel that the same judgment should be put against our new writers. Devin Heater approached me about writing for the site and asked what he needed to do. So I gave him the Obama Questionnaire.

1.   Professional Background

1a. Please provide the names of all corporations, firms, or other business enterprises with which you are now, or during the past ten years have been affiliated with.

Ron’s Gourmet Ice Cream & 20th Century Bowling, and The Belmont Hill School Summer Program (I was a substitute drama teacher).

1b. Please chronologically list activities, other than those listed on your resume or biography, from which you have derived earned income (e.g., self-employment, consulting activities, writing, royalties and honoraria) for the past ten years.

My Mom pays me to babysit my little brothers. Also, I dated a girl once who had honoraria, but we were always careful, so I never contracted it.

1c. Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved with during the course of your career.

When I was the substitute drama teacher, I assigned these two 8 year old kids the scene from Closer with Natalie Portman and Clive Owens. Their parents got pretty upset about it.

2.   Publications, Writings & Speeches

2a. Please list and, if readily available, provide a copy of each book, transcript of each testimony, and audio or video recording of each speech, you have authored. Please list all aliases or “handles” you have used to communicate on the Internet, or have published under.

I gave the valedictorian speech at my high school graduation. I don’t have a copy of it, but I think it might be on my school’s website. On a poker website, I go by Devi-lish and I was a level 6 Kensai (a warrior who denounces magical items) named Thorgrim when I used to play D&D online. I don’t play D&D online anymore.

2b. If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of     embarrassment to you, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.

My high school girlfriend dumped we like a week after she left for college and I was pretty upset and maybe sent some emails and text messages that I would rather remain out of the public eye as they contained ethnic slurs.

3.   Miscellaneous

3a. Have you had a complete physical within the past year? Please describe your overall physical health and any medical treatment you are currently receiving.

I did have a complete physical. I do have stress induced asthma, and my doctor told me that my foreskin is tight, and that if I don’t stretch it, sex won’t be as pleasurable and it might be harder     to clean. As for treatments, other than a strict foreskin stretching regiment, I also take acne medication for my back acne.

3b. Do you know anyone or any organization, either in the private sector or government service that might take steps to criticize your nomination, including any news organization? If so, please     identify and explain the potential basis for criticism.

If any of my friends found out I was applying, they would probably publish all the reasons I shouldn’t be a member of the Obama administration.

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